That funny little diatribe Jason Lee spews at Stan Lee in Kevin Smith’s 90’s centric comedy Mallrats about the genitals of superheros is something everyone had thought from time to time. However, I am blogger of discerning tastes. It’s not superheroes genitals that concern me but their ability to use them. As my grandmother once told me as a rather odd ending to a bedtime story: “It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean”.
So the question remains:
What superheroes float my boat?
They call him the Man of Steel but my instincts tell me that this guy does not live up to the hype.
Let’s be honest, that spandex red, white , and blue costume leaves little to our patriotic imaginations and that boy can fill out a suit. The heat ray eyes, and super cold breathe can add a little bit of spice between the sheets and let’s not forget that he can fly adding new meaning to the mile high club.
I have a sneaking suspicious that this guy is a Clark Kent in the bedroom. I don’t think that he would be the most attentive lover. The super-sonic hearing would keep him constantly distracted from the task at hand, and his x-ray vision kinda kills any kind of teasing you might be planning. I also feel like he’s living in a sort of bubble. He’s a buff, good looking, straight, guy living in the big city. Women are probably throwing the poon (poon = vagina) at him. Also, super speed would prolly make him an even lazier lover.
Sorry Superman, but consider this boat sunk.
Once you go bat, you never go back.
His broody demeanor and angsty past give him just the right amount of sex appeal. He’s a handsome billionaire orphan playboy with a dark side. What more could anyone ask for? Martial arts training that gives him ample self control and a penchant for gadgets and rubber? Check. A sweet ride and a discreet butler? Double check.
Broody sex gets kind of old after a while. Cuddling, giggling, and any kind of expression of joy are strictly a no-no with this guy. Post coital chatting? Not gonna happen. Also at some point you are going to find Robin crouching in a Batcave closet with a video camera and using his tears as lubrication.
This boat only floats on murky waters.
I think my spidey sense is tingling.
To me Spiderman has just the right amount of kinky. He’s sweet, boyish, charming, and unlike handcuffs , the web stuff he shoot from his arms eventually dissolves so you never have to worry about losing the key. His Aunt Mae taught him to respect women, and his Uncle Ben’s tragic death gives him just the right amount of edge. He’s just nerdy enough not to be cocky, and just cocky enough to make the first move. Hotties like Mary Jane and Gwen Stacy know a catch when they see one.
This guy is a bit of a spaz. Its a good thing that his web stuff dissolves because he’s way too easily distracted and that is not a position a girl wants t be left in. I also can’t think about Spiderman with out envisioning Tobey McGuire during the lame emo walk/dance scene in Spiderman 3. Awkward.
This guy will float your boat, only it might be a life raft.
Things just got interesting.
She’s a regulation hottie. It was rumored she once hooked up with Superman and he never got over it. She’s an amazon in an outfit that requires a brazilian (get it?). She recently changed her costume, but didn’t get rid of those frisky golden lassoes. She’s got super strength and I get feeling she’s not exactly a missionary type of girl.
Unless you suddenly get exposed to radiation and develop your own set of superpowers be prepared to be the submissive one in this relationship. I also get the feeling that Wonder Woman is the type of chick that refers to herself in the third person. “Wonder Woman’s not satisfied yet. Wonder Woman doesn’t care if you can’t breath and your jaw hurts. Wonder Woman wants a sandwich now”. Also her invisible jet doesn’t exactly offer much in the way of privacy. So unless you feel like being ass out on a tarmac somewhere, plan on staying at your place.
She’ll float your boat, then tip it over and make you swim for your life.
What superheroes are missing from the list? Who’s your S.I.L.F fantasy. Let me know so I can include them in my next blog.